


My One and Only

by ashiechild88



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angsty fluff?, F/M, Make Out Session, Steamy, Swearing, connor has a bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 07:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15068054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashiechild88/pseuds/ashiechild88
Summary: Ash can't stop thinking about Connor. Connor is not having the best day.





	My One and Only

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr at the moment is dearwendlabergmann and thats where i originally posted this

     Today dating Connor Murphy was the best and worst decision I have ever made. Best as in he was the most beautiful, caring, and wonderful boyfriend I could ever have. He loves and cares about me more than I think he can bare sometimes. For someone who feels as much and as bad as Connor has and does, being loved is hard, loving is hard. The same goes for me. I have been knocked down and torn apart by the world and now I am loved and I am loving. That's not what made it the worst decision though.

     It was the worst decision not because it's hard. Not because of the teasing and the hurting and the feelings, but because he was all I could think about. In class, at home, alone, with friends, with family, anytime and all the time, my one and only Connor Murphy was in my head. He plagued all my thoughts. Especially today... His hair and smile. His love and his touch. His milky white chest under my palm. His kiss against my lips. Pulling me closer...

     “Ash!” Zoe pulled me out of my thoughts. I cringe. I had been thinking about, well, her brother right in front of her. “You completely zoned out. And you haven't touched your lunch. What's up?”

     “Thinking about my calc homework,” I lie. “It's all too much.” Not a lie. Luckily, the bell echos through the lunch room so Zoe doesn't push it.

      As I walk through the halls, I get lost in thoughts again. Dear lord, why can't I get him out of my head. Connor and my relationship isn't new but, today, my thoughts are obsessive. He is in my next class so I guess I won't be paying any attention.

     As the bell rings for the end of this period, I realize I was right. I payed no attention and spent an entire period staring at my boyfriend and... thinking... I love him too much today, Jesus. Connor is only in my last period class which is now over, this means I have spent the entire school day thinking about him and not seen him at all. That's unusual as hell. Not just my thoughts but not seeing him.

     “Why were you staring at me all fucking class?” Connor deadpans. He wasn't having a good day. It's easy for me to tell when Connor is hurting now; I do it better than anyone.

     “Because you're pretty and I love you,” I say trying to giggle it off. I reach up to cup his face with one hand. His visage softens and he relaxes into my touch.

     When Connor has a rough day, he doesn't generally talk about it until we get to his car or my house, if at all. Whether it be bullying, his family, or just himself that caused the distress, all I could do was be there for him. Hold him until he felt safe.

     “Let's go to my house,” he says as I pull my hand back. This was a strange thing for Connor to suggest because of family ridicule. While his relationship with Zoe had gotten better, Larry was still... unimpressed. “Larry's on a business trip and I know you fucking love my bed...” He trails off but he wasn't wrong. I loved his bed, it was soft and smelled of him. It's like he reads my mind sometimes.

     “Of course.”

     He walks me to his beat up black Chevy just like our routine dictates. He wouldn't let Cynthia buy him a newer model, he wanted this one. It already smelled like cigarettes when he got it so he wouldn't have to cover any smells he made. As I climb in, I shoot my mom a text to tell her I'm going to Connor's to do homework.

     The ride is quiet, no music today, just the wind coming in from the windows. He preferred open windows over a/c. Closed windows are trapping and remind him of family roadtrips. His ringed, lithe hand rested on my thigh innocently. Connor needed touch right now.

    “What's wrong,” I question, breaking the silence.

    “Nothing happened. Just a fucking rough brain day. It would make more fucking sense if something happened but no.” He huffed out the breathe he had been holding since we left school. Connor has bad days like this and most of the time, if he feels like shit, he wants a real reason not just 'fucking hormone imbalance'.

     I wasn't going to act on what I had been thinking about all day so I could just let Connor ride out his hurt and do what he wanted, which was generally sit and listen to music while I do homework or cuddle into his chest. But, I soon found out Connor had different plans.

     Since Connor was starved for touch at the moment, when we arrived in his room, he shut the door and pulled me immediately to his navy blue sheeted bed. The comforter was soft under me as he pulled me into him.

     I look up at his ocean eyes, they are swimming and trying desperately to be warm. He was slowly blinking and gazing down at me as we lay. Connor doesn't speak as he strokes my back and tries to cling to the present moment. I can always tell when he can't stay here in reality quite as well as normal. He scrunches up his face and his breath is shallow. I can almost feel the pounding thoughts and insecurity in his head. When Connor gets like this, I can't pull him out, only distract him from the bouncing ideas forced in my his illnesses.

    “Con,” I grab his attention and his eyes snap to mine. “Can I move?” He nods. Connor needs affection right now and this is the best I can do.

     As I said, I didn't plan on acting on my thoughts, being with him is enough, but he needs this as much as I want it. I straddle his lap and hold his face in my hands, hoping to absorb the pain through them. Slowly, I moved to kiss him. Kissing Connor was always so soft. His lips form against mine. He lets out a needy groan as I deepen the kiss. Running my hands through his hair and giving it a light tug causes him to moan into my mouth again. I smile into the kiss and relish in the softness of his hair.

     Connor's hands are at my waist pulling me as close as he can. He needs me against him. He pulls at my shirt and I pull at his. I knew this wasn't sexual; Connor needs skin to skin contact and as soon as we touch again, I can feel his warmth and I feel him relax into my body heat. He bites my lower lip pulling at it and swiftly reattaching our lips. He kneads at my skin like a cat, breathing through his nose so he doesn't have to pull away. We try so hard to hold each other enough to convey the love needed.

     Time passes, maybe minutes maybe hours and I pull away from him to look into his eyes. He is breathless and teary eyed. A single tear falls down his cheek and hits my thumb. In a swift motion, I wipe it away. Connor squeezes his eyes shut and I kiss over each eye lid.

     “I'm sorry,” he forces out, his breath ragged. It pains me to see him like this.

     “It's okay, you're okay.”

     “It's just so fucking hard. So overwhelming...”

     “I know, but I'm here and I love you.” He pulls himself tightly into my chest and listens to my heartbeat. His breath slows. He is finally contented. He would still need a lot of tlc tonight but he is calm now. Connor can face the world for so long alone but he doesn't deserve to.

     “I love you, Ash.”

     “You're my one and only, Connor.”


End file.
